Let’s just get right into the shit of it shall we?
I was supposed to get the following today:
- X-Ray for a (probable) fractured toe.
- A boobie smash – Mammogram.
- Dexa-Scan – Bone scanner.
- Blood tests – Ms. Garland, lay off the salt & burgers.
Decided not to go. I even had to take vacation time from work to get all this done. Fuck it. I decided to take a few hours off to do this instead. I became miraculously motivated to write to all of you. I would rather do this than go to the Doctor. I don’t need a doctor to tell me, “Yep, you’re foot is fractured, you’re boobs suck and wow, you’ve got the bones of an 80 year old. You’re 45 again?” Fuck that. Add that with suffering with Lupus, all the damage I’ve done in the past and eating like shit – I don’t need to pay someone to tell me that. I GET IT! I get to hear that from family and friends all the time – for free. Lucky me!
Here is the true crux of what’s up my ass: I guess my sense of frustration with myself and my environment has FINALLY taken a toll. The job: stressful. Family: Not a lot of ups, lots of downs. Marriage: Jesus, Mary, Joseph – I need a manual, it’s a lot of work. My health: Well, see paragraph above. Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out this: I guess for once in my life I need a break. Just a break for me to be able to breathe. I haven’t felt like I could breathe in a VERY LONG TIME.
So I say this now with every breath in my lungs if it was my last: It’s time for me to take more time for me. It even HURTS saying it. I am just so “worried” about everything else. Did I pay this bill? Am I going to make it to work on time? Am I going to get a measly raise at the end of the year? Shit, did I feed the dogs? Shit, I didn’t set out anything for dinner and the Hubby will be mad. Crap, the laundry is piling up. Oh my God, Mom’s blowing up my phone. Oh no, I have to get all of these tests done to tell me that I suck! And on, and on and on….
Why do we women do THIS? Why do we constantly put everyone else and every other task, job and god knows what else before our own needs? Is it some societal guilt that we as women MUST get things done? Is it because we’ve been told since birth, “Well, Suzy you must be a good wife and Mother before your own needs.” WTF?! Why, why, why! Is it selfish to want to just be at peace without having to be a Superwoman. I am learning I just can’t fucking do it. I’ve damaged me in the process. My health and emotional spirit is in shambles because of ME. I put this all on me. Truly I am the only person to blame here.
Suffice to say I am REALLY over it. I am tired of being EVERYTHING to EVERYBODY but little ol’ Me. I guess what I am saying is…..enough. I am waving the white flag. No, I can’t come to your get together after work. No, the laundry’s not done but I’ve heard that the washer and dryer can be used by anyone. No, I didn’t pay the bill and they (Comcast – I really hate them) can wait until I am God Damned ready to pay em. No, I am taking the day off today and I don’t care if it hurts production – if I died tomorrow, the company would miraculously move on without me. *Shocking* No, I am just finally accepting the fact that I just CAN’T do it all.
Women are our own worst enemy. More than Men I truly believe. We don’t support each other. We would rather tear other women down than build them up. We all know that’s true and we need to own that. Women need to take the time to just be women. Is that so hard for us? Deep down in my heart I believe we’ve been hard-wired to believe that we must “do this” “do that” for the sake of family, friends and work or ( insert here) – feel free to add your own cross to bear. I find that it is ridiculously unfair. Men don’t go through this. They could give a rats butt really. Is it our chemical make up? Are we really from Venus? Shit, I just don’t have the answers.
Now, I know….what’s going to be people’s reaction? “Oh, she is so selfish.” “Wow, she doesn’t spend a lot of time with X,Y,Z anymore.” “Did you hear that she isn’t helping with this anymore?” Well, guess what. Too bad and so sad. Women, learn this now. Stop feeling guilty for wanting to do more for yourself. It’s okay to be selfish with your own time. Now one else is going to give it to you except YOU. This is what I do know: I am taking baby steps for me. That’s all I can do. If I don’t do this now: I don’t want my Husband and Son to bury me. That would really suck. I hear that Scottish wakes and funerals are the rage these days but I don’t want to be there.