Scribbles

How Ochocinco, Lozado & Iyanla Vanzant hit me like a BRICK.

I have mulling this topic over in my brain (blogging) for a week or two, but feeling like this for years.  I blame Iyanla Vanzant for this.  I should stop watching her show “Iyanla Fix My Life” on the Oprah’s network “OWN.”  I blame Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson and Evelyn Lozado too.  I know, HOW could this be the fault of an NFL couple and an emotional priestess like Iyanla?

About three weeks ago, I began watching this episode.  Oh and it was a two-part to boot.  I hate those.  Evelyn Lozado was known for “Basketball Wives.”  She was a hot head and a thug.  Fought with everyone, had a big mouth and probably gave the viewers an impression that she didn’t give a rat shit what people thought of her.  We were wrong.  She was involved in a short tumultuous marriage with Ochocinco.  Wrought with lying, cheating, verbal and ultimately physical abuse.  Iyanla was trying to get to the root of her behavior.  I know, I kept saying to the TV (because my husband reminds me constantly that “they” can’t hear me), what about Ochocinco?  What about him?

Hmmm was Evelyn wrong. Was I wrong.  Ivayla forced her to realize where this repetitive behavior comes from. Lashing out, picking the wrong men, accepting less that what she truly deserved, why she was so lost.  It took awhile, as it does with a lot of us stubborn, Type A personality women.  Yeah, that’s me too – guilty as charged.  Lot’s of crying in the first episode and a lot of denial.  Ivayla is stealth at tuning into what is REALLY going on.  She is crafty I must say.  She had me hook, line and sinker.

Miraculously, it finally came out.  Evelyn didn’t have the best relationship with her Father. In fact, they were not close at all.  Evelyn only wanted to be truly loved and accepted anything that came her way because she felt abandoned by her Father.  Bad guys, bad calls, not listening to your intuition.  She kept repeating the bad behaviors that ultimately led her to Ochocinco, who in turn in episode two, we come to learn head butted Evelyn because she found condoms on a receipt when her husband had the car.  Not a brilliant move on Ochocinco’s part and not a brilliant move on Evelyn’s for getting married when red flag fireworks were everywhere.  However, I am not to judge.  Who am I?  It’s my turn.

Now I am not a fan of blaming.  I am an individual that believes at some turn in your life that you need to stop blaming your parents, family, friends, the economy or the weather if you make a bad decision.  I will be 45 years old in three months, so the days of blaming Mommy and Daddy are over.  However, I understood how Evelyn felt.  Now, I don’t swear ghetto style at every woman I meet, nor do I walk on tables to try to confront a woman.  I internalize.  I always have.  This is why I am not thrilled at Ivayla’s show now.  I still love her – but it’s made me look at things in a whole new way.  I won’t lie, it’s extremely painful.

I am experiencing abandonment and I don’t like it.  I feel abandoned by the people I’ve loved the most.  No, it’s not fair and yes, it really fucking sucks.  I do believe that not having that relationship with my Father and the loss of others has molded me to where I am now.  To be honest, it’s makes me full of rage which is a bit scary. It’s made me angry.  We all know that anger is really masked fear.  To be fair to my Dad, he was always “there” in the sense that we lived in the same house but he really wasn’t.

What I am experiencing is awful and I am finding that I am questioning every decision and emotion that I’ve ever had because now I realize what it really is.  I am hurt that at the age of 14, that my Dad truly abandoned me emotionally due to a traumatic violent crime committed against his daughter. He didn’t commit the act, someone else did.  He turned his back on me emotionally and I’ve NEVER been the same.  I was no longer his girl.  Just some female entity who lived in the house.  I haven’t forgiven him for it either.  I haven’t gotten there yet and maybe I never will.

It is because of this damned episode that I’ve come to realize that all that every action had a reaction.  I am realizing that some of the choices in my life are a DIRECT result of being 14.  Does it make me happy to admit this?  No.  As a matter of fact, I am feeling more lost than I did at 25, 30, and 40 combined. If you’ve ever heard the phrase, “Things get better and make more sense at 40.”  I call BULLSHIT.  It gets ten times more difficult and quite frankly, maddening.  I now question everything.  “Was I a good parent?”  “Am I a good wife?”  “Why do I think the way I do?”  “Am I a good Sister or a door mat?” “Why are you doing this?”  “What is the point of it all?”  “What is now my end result?”

I realize now that I have some difficult work ahead.  I realize now that the past (shit) 25 years have been a god damned blur of swallowing everything because I didn’t want to face it. I wished I had faced this sooner.  Funny how one TV episode just turned my world upside. Sigh.  Thanks Iyanla.

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